About funerals…

Let me begin by saying that mom’s funeral (in Sherman) and burial (OKC) really were lovely. Family and friends came. There were more smiles and happy memories than there were tears. My mom would have loved it all.

You know the saying about death and taxes: they come to each of us and cannot be avoided. This post falls into the category of sharing what I learned from mom’s funeral and burial services. Feel free to stop reading if you do not like thinking about death in any way, shape, or form. Only click the following link if you are OK with reading more.

Mom’s funeral was the first where the planning fell mostly to me. Funeral homes will do a lot of the work for you, and they will charge you for every bit of it. I don’t blame them because we all need to make a living. However, do not be afraid to ask about costs up front and often. We opted not to use many of the services offered beyond the (prepaid) cremation itself and the ordering of the death certificates. (FYI: order more than you think you will need, especially if there are a lot of financial accounts to deal with.)

I did not have to guess much because mom told me what she wanted. In fact, she went over it again a few days before she died. I have no idea how she knew the end was so near. That’s probably why I was OK to not leave the planning to the professionals at the funeral home.

Mom wanted to be cremated wearing a nice, comfortable outfit. Nice, but not fancy, and she definitely wanted to go to heaven with her fur-lined plaid moccasins on her feet!

She wrote pertinent information for her obituary on a piece of note paper that she updated over the years. The paper itself is the shape and color of a bunch of grapes which made it stick out among her other papers. I might not have noticed it otherwise. Attached to the paper was the photo she wanted me to use in her obituary. I probably wouldn’t have chosen that photo but it was perfect. She was right. Way to go mom for leaving this for me to find!

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She left instructions for us to place an obituary in both the Oklahoma City paper and the Herald Democrat in Sherman. Did you know that newspapers charge by the line for obituaries? I admit that I kept that in mind as I finalized her obituary. Some obits seem to follow a formula, probably because they mostly are generated by funeral homes. Mom’s was clear and said what she wanted. Click here and/or here.

Mom asked Steve to make a simple wood box for her cremains (such an odd word) and she wanted me to paint a pink rose on it. This is one of those things that I would have liked to have done while she was still around to give it an OK, but I do think it’s what she had in mind.

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We are Catholic which helped to narrow down many of the choices when it came to planning the services. We had a funeral mass with music she liked. Our parish priest, Fr. Jeremy Myers, gave a wonderful eulogy. Steve spoke at both the funeral and the burial as well. Click here to see what Steve said—mom would have loved every word!

Mom and dad bought several plots at Resurrection Cemetery in OKC in 1990. That was helpful. My father, sister, and my dad’s parents are already there. But, even though the plot was paid for, there were still costs involved. I mention this because it’s probably good to set aside money if you can.

  • The bronze date plaque (with the month spelled out) was extra.
  • Digging the grave, and filling it in, was extra. This is a cost that varies from place to place. It was way more than I thought it ought to be.
  • Oklahoma has a new law: cremains have to be sealed inside a particular kind of plastic box before burial. It doesn’t matter that mom was already in a bag, inside a cardboard box, inside the lovely oak box that Steve made. All of it had to be sealed inside the plastic box. Seriously. I hate to think what kind of box a casket has to be sealed in.

Details not to be overlooked if you are doing your own planning:

  • Print a nice photo that is easy to see from a distance to display at the funeral.
  • And print more photos, or set up a digital slide show, for gatherings before or after. People really do like pictures.
  • Have a guest book and pens for the funeral (I forgot this and I’m sorry I did)
  • Find out if there are restrictions on flowers and be ready to tell people where they can be sent, and when.
  • You will be asked about memorials that can be contributed to.
  • If you want prayer cards, be sure to order them in time for the services. I barely got that done.
  • If you need a handout for the services, be sure that it gets handled. Luckily, our church does this because I didn’t think of it.
  • If you are going to have a get-together before and/or after the services, make those arrangements. Our church provided a lunch in the fellowship hall which was perfect.

Things that you can do now, in preparation for future funerals:

  • Write down important dates. Your family may not remember as much as you do.
  • While you’re at it, write names and dates on family photos.
  • Start a document with information that you would like in your obituary.
  • Be clear: do you want to be buried or cremated. Prepay for as much as you can but find out what happens to those plans if you move out of the area.
  • If you care, write down what you want to be wearing on your trip to heaven.
  • Where do you want your remains to end up? Write down the specifics and, if you can, set aside money for any trips that might be required to get you there.
  • Do you want a marker? If so, it might make sense to choose it and prepay for it as well.
  • Talk about all of this with whoever is likely to be in charge of your affairs.

This last part is going to seem weird, but it’s important. Think about the burial itself. We drove 3 hours to OKC and didn’t have a lot of time to think about details once we arrived. I thought the grave would be exposed and we would watch mom be lowered into the ground. That’s the way it was in years past with my sister and dad. But this time the cemetery had plywood and astroturf in place over the grave. After the service and some visiting, we left and the man doing the actual digging waited for us before he buried mom.

For many of you, this is the normal course of events. However, this is the one thing I think mom would rather I had done differently. She was old school, and would have liked each of us to shovel in some dirt. No matter that we would have had to pull up the astroturf, move the plywood covering the hole, and find a shovel.

I didn’t think it through until it was way too late. My mom was a forgiving person, so I’m not feeling guilty. I just wish I had done it differently. If you care about this part, be sure to let your family know what you want.

What a strange blog post, right? I promise to get back to more normal news in my next post.

 

60 thoughts on “About funerals…

  1. I love the post as I had to plan my mom’s funeral when she was 55 and I was only 35 and it was one of the hardest things I have done. Thanks for sharing your experience and I hope others read it.
    Debbie Stubbs

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  2. Becky, am very sorry for the loss of your mother. Your post is not strange. It was very helpful and offered very reality based suggestions. It made me think about my loved ones and myself planning for this. Thank you for the valuable words of experience.
    Take care of yourself,
    Marianne Udell

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  3. Your acceptance and carrying through of your Mom’s wishes is exemplary even though she couldn’t have known the funeral home’s graveside setup practice. I believe you are right in thinking the dust to dust (letting dirt drop from your hand into the grave) is a practice of yore. However, it is optional here in my MO town with a cremation graveside service. I assume one can ask if it is alright to do so anywhere.
    Pre-planning our own funerals and obits is wise if only to relieve your loved ones from the burden of second guessing what we’d want. Have I done it, no, but it’s something I know I should do.
    Remember all the fun times you and your family had with her as you wade through all the legal stuff that has to be done. I know you’ve already thanked her for taking care of a lot of the initial details. Thinking of you, Linda.

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  4. Dear Becky,
    Thank you for this generous post. It was kind and thoughtful, and probably therapeutic for you. My condolences to you and your family.
    Sincerely,
    Becky Good

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  5. Becky, thank you for all the thoughtful and helpful information you provided. My mother is 96 and I know I’m going to be facing the same issues in the not too distant future. We’ve been discussing some of her wishes, but your post has given me more items to discuss.

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    • Surely at 96 she knows that a funeral is in her future, sometime later. I hope you two have as many good conversations about this as I did with my own mom. We actually laughed about much of it which made it a lot easier to be happy at her funeral.

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  6. Thank you Becky. Sorry for your loss. Thankful you had a wonderful mom. It is so Important for people to know these things, but so many don’t want to deal with it. I just hope when that happens to people they don’t feel guilty about what they decided. If someone does not help with their choices we just have to do the best we can. So wonderful of you to list those items. Your mom was so considerate to help before she went. Peace and love to you and yours. Christine, Redding CA

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  7. Becky,
    I was saddened to hear of the loss of your mother. My condolences to all of your family. Your post had a lot of very useful information. You are so practical! My husband’s family business ( until the late 70’s) was to manufacture burial vaults. These are the “boxes” you referred to, that the caskets go into, when being buried in the ground. Their purpose is to keep caskets from “floating” to the top…a real problem in states with low water tables. Some are also “sealed” to keep the elements out. They range from “rough boxes” (not really sealed, but just a concrete box), to sealed ones with plastic liners..the “Monarch”, to fancy Stainless Steel lined, to copper lined. They had fancy names like the “Monticello” and the “Continental”. Great care was taken to clean all the metal lined ones from fingerprints….which NOBODY would see. What a waste of money! Typically, the grave was dug, the vault company would lower the vault, and the pretty lid was left graveside for the family to see, if they wanted. They would wait until after the graveside service, the family would leave, and then the casket is lowered into the ground by the cemetery workers, and then the vault company would lower the lid, and seal it. Nobody saw the grave was already dug beforehand,and there was the ply wood and astroturf as you described. The only services I ever saw where family participated in throwing in a shovel of dirt, were Jewish ones (we are also Catholic). There were more than a few Saturdays I spent on “the vault truck” while my future husband was working. (He sure knew how to show a girl a good time!) By the way, he also taught me to drive a stick shift in cemeteries because “you couldnt hurt anybody”,

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    • You know, the funeral industry has got to be interesting. In the little bit of time I spent with the folks at the funeral home, I was both impressed and full of wonder about their attitudes. They were so calm, and respectful, but also businesslike. I kept thinking how strange a job that must be.

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  8. I saw your moms obit in the Daily Oklahoman. I noticed her nurses cap. At first I thought she was a Saint Anthony Hospital graduate as I am. She graduated from Mercy hospital which was just down the street a few blocks. She was an Eckroat which was a familiar name from the Midwest City area where I grew up. God Bless you and your family. The multiple decisions regarding funeral preparations is incredible. My parents died 5 days apart and I was the one making those arrangements. If we had known my dad would give up so soon we could have had a double funeral but alas we had two in a short period of time. She will always be with you in your thoughts, actions and words. Remember the good times.

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    • Wow… two funerals in such a short time would be one too many.

      I really don’t know how people do this when they have no direction. Honestly, if I had known it was coming, I would have done some research so that I didn’t miss more than I did. It never occurred to me to google ‘planning a funeral’ but that would have been a good idea. Add that to your lists :-).

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  9. Your mother was truly a Warrior Princess. What a remarkable woman. And, I think she’d be proud of you for all you are, but also for what a great job you did coordinating all the last steps for her walk to heaven.

    Not a common topic of discussion, but yet a good one to share with many. It does help to discuss and know the final desires. I too was the coordinator (and executrix) for my mother. It helped to know her wishes, which in many ways were very much like your mother’s.

    Big hug. I know your mother is dearly missed by you and many other family members and friends. May she always be in your hearts.

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  10. Becky, Thank you for sharing your experiences with planning and executing your mom’s funeral and burial. You are so generous to share this difficult time in the hope of making it easier for those who follow. My mother is 96 and all I really know is that her burial plot is paid for, next to my dad. We (my siblings and I) will need to see if we can get her to discuss any other wishes. You’ve given many of us some guidelines in making that journey. Peace and comfort to you.

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    • You know, your mom probably knows you as well as mine knew me. That was enough for her to figure out that she’d better clearly let me know what she wanted or I might not do it to suit her. If your mom is particular, this might be the idea that gets her to share her wishes with you :-). >

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  11. Thank you for sharing. Steve wrote a wonderful eulogy. Lovely, informative and interesting.
    Your planning made for a very nice funeral for your Mom.

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  12. Thanks for all this practical information, Becky. My mother just celebrated her 95th birthday, & a great time was had by all! Her only surviving sibling came, along with her Denver daughter; My brother & his wife (they missed # 90 because my brother broke his leg a few days before, & couldn’t travel); & 3 of her 5 grandchildren & all 3 of the great grand children! I’m trying to focus more on having good family times now.
    I think we will do something very simple when she passes, with just family. I asked her to jot down some notes about things she would want included in her obituary a couple of years ago. She did that & gave it to me! We know she wants to be cremated, but there will not be a burial. My father was cremated & she scattered his ashes in Tucson, where they lived. I’m not sure what we will do with hers, but we’ll figure something out!
    We planned a local memorial service for our former son-in-law, who died suddenly in 2012. The official service was in Dallas, where his family lived. He had lived in CO most of the time since he graduated college, so we wanted to have something local for his friends here, who were unable to go to Dallas for that service. The one here in CO was really nice. One of his climbing buddies took some of the ashes (his ashes are in several places around the country!) up a climb they used to do in a local state park. The army provided a bugler to play taps & when his friend released the ashes, they rose up in the sky, where swallows & swifts were soaring–it was really an amazing moment!
    Then we had a potluck brunch in the park & talked about Mike!
    About a month later our daughter planned a hike up a Fourteener they used to climb together. We hiked up the mountain with many of his friends (some of us waited somewhere between the 11,000 & 12,000 ft level) & our daughter released more of the ashes up there (where his dogs ashes had been released a few years before!

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    • Steve and I would both love to be scattered, but the Catholic church frowns on that. I asked our pastor why and he said it’s because of the importance of honoring the body all the way to the end. Some folks get scattered in less than reverent places, so he does have a point. This is an issue that we’ll have to figure out ourselves so that the kids don’t have to when we are gone.

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  13. Concerning obituaries, when my dad died about 11 years ago, there was no charge to publish an obituary in our local paper as long as the deceased had lived in the county at some point in their lives. The Tucson papers did charge & it was quite expensive. My mother had a notebook about end of life planning in Tucson, but her pastor discouraged her from following those suggestions. He said it was necessary to publish the obituary in both the papers for 3 days in a row. It was quite expensive!
    I am the librarian for our state quilt guild. We purchase a book in memory of members when they pass away. I try to put a copy of the obituary in the back of each book, so current members can read about the lives of those who came before. I’m finding that it is getting difficult to find obituary information about some of our former members these days–I’m sure because of the expense of publishing them. Some are available through funeral homes for awhile, but many are never available. I think we’re going to lose so much information about the lives of people because of this!

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    • I hadn’t thought about the historical aspect of obituaries. I have thought about photos. Even my own are mostly digital… that can’t be a good thing. I need to print the important ones sooner rather than later.

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  14. Becky, wonderful of you to post this. I think many really don’t have a clue what they are getting into when death begins to call…especially for those who survive and have to fulfill wishes, known and unknown! I know I didn’t. Mom and Dad thought it was all settled because they had purchased a cemetery plot in the 1960s…. At least I had some time to learn that did NOT cover the half of it! My condolences to you and your family. It’s wonderful that she lived such a long life, and that she did a good bit of work for you. She will always be with you. It’s a rare day that my mother or father aren’t here in some way, reminding me of something they taught or said or did, still giving me a bit of guidance, and comfort along life’s road!

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  15. Becky, so sorry for the loss of your Mom. No matter what we know about the Circle of Life, losing our Moms is so hard. I also went through this with my Mom’s death suddenly in 2015. She would not talk about what her wishes were. So the total opposite from your Mom. But still, during the process of burying her there were so many unknown things that came up. You have written a beautiful account of the things you encountered, and it is all so accurate. I know that I will definitely let my daughters know my wishes. Thanks for sharing and prayers are with you and your family.

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  16. Becky, this was a great blog post. Thank you for sharing. I am so glad I got to meet your mom, she was wonderful, I wish I had known her sooner. Steve’s speech was lovely too. [You know I would have been there with you had I been in the US]. 💕

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  17. Great post. My Dad just died and luckily he and my Mom had already prepaid for their funerals and picked out caskets and such. The funeral home was amazing. They coordinated everything between the church and the cemetery because my dad was a veteran and was being buried in the National Memorial Cemetery here. The funeral home had the guest book and prayer cards and thank you notes. All we had to do was pick which one we wanted. The church did the program and the coordinator at the church did a fantastic job helping us choose the music. My Dad belonged to a pilots group that arranged for a flyover with the missing man at the cemetery. My sister did an amazing eulogy as did my Dad’s best friend. I picked out some pictures of Dad with his planes and my brother mounted it all in a frame to place by the guest book. I will say it is super important to have a picture and obituary already prepared by the deceased. I will also say that printing obituaries in the newspaper is super expensive. Dad’s cost $800.00.

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    • It sounds like your parents did a great job preparing for their own ends. It is something to strive for.

      Mom’s obits were $300 and $100… but I did keep it relatively short in comparison with some others that surely were past $1000. Mom would not have been willing to pay that :-).

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  18. I’ve printed out your thoughts as it is time my husband and I make some serious decisions. I’m so sorry about your mom. She had one, fantastic daughter that I’ve had the extreme pleasure to meet in person.

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  19. Wow, Becky, such a thoughtful post during a time of grief. When I buried my husband of 29 + years back in 2004, it was all a blur. I think now about my own kids trying to figure out what to do for “mom” and I agree, planning is so very important. Your detail is amazing, and I am amazed that you had the clarity to think it all through. Prayers for healing of your heart during this time.

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  20. Dear Becky,
    I can’t thank you enough for writing down your thoughts. You mentioned several things that I have never even thought of. I am going to print out your thoughts and keep them with our important papers to be handy when we need them. This was so helpful. Your mom was a special lady who raised a very special daughter. Thank you so much. Sincerely, Karen

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  21. Thank you for your generous and thoughtful guidance at this challenging time in your life.
    I have learned so much which will help me in the near future with my family.

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  22. Thanks for these details, Becky!
    Good info to know ahead of time so you can deal with these matters logically aqnd w/o too much emotion due to having lost a loved one.
    Our family was grateful that our father had pre-bought a niche at a cemetery in Honolulu with enough room for 2 adults and 6 children. I suppose he never thought about any of us getting married, etc. I may not choose to be there with the rest of my family, but haven’t made that decision yet, at age 74. Will write down my preferences soon, as one never knows when the Lord will call our number, right? Am thinking of being cremated, and having my ashes scattered in the Pacific Ocean, close to my homestate island of Oahu. Perhaps similar arrangements for my husband of over 50 yrs., since we met in Hawaii.
    My sincere sympathy on your mother’s passing. It is always difficult to bid “aloha oe” to the ones who have given us the gift of life.
    Aloha,
    Frances

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    • Frances, you just can’t be 74 already :-)!

      I have a plot that Steve and I can both go in next to mom and dad, but I’m not sure that’s where we want to be. Steve wants to be scattered in a volcano in Hawaii, not sure exactly which one or who would take him. The ocean sounds better to me. Decisions, decisions…

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  23. My mother is 98, and prepaid everything years ago. I know I’m going to have to take care of this eventually.
    May your Mom rest in peace and may God hold you in the palm of His hand.

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  24. OH my goodness, Im so sorry to hear of your loss. I am still in awe because I just got done looking at one of the blogs I check usually and since I was out of the country found out Rosalie Quinlan of MellyandMe passed away recently as well.. Then I saw your post..It is difficult for me because I am very low key in the blog world , however I have followed you since the first time I saw you in the early 90s on Simply Quilts and I followed Rosalie for almost 10 yrs on blogland , not many of you know me but I know all of you as if you part of my world of frinds, and so I dont know how to deal with these things ! God bless Becky… Izzy from NJ

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    • I am so sorry to hear that Rosalie passed away. I did not know her but her work is adorable.

      It may help you to know that my mom was ready to go to heaven. Really, she was. Take heart in knowing that.

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  25. This is great advice. I appreciate your sharing this during a time when your emotions must be in turmoil. It will be a great help to many people — myself included because I am dealt by with aging parents and have not begun to prepare properly. My condolences to you and your family. I love your blog and have loved getting to know your family through it. May you feel God’s comfort as you go forward in this life with the memory of your beloved mother.

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  26. Becky
    Beautifully said and yes so informative.,
    My sister died in Fla, last year, I am in SC and we are from Boston,
    She had no family Immediate) so, it fell to me to close up her apartment, and make plans for her funeral., my first with a creamation.
    My first planning also, basically what you did and your Mom requested.
    Like you, many things are part of the funeral service at the Catholic Church.,
    She is buried with my parents, it all went beautifully and bringing her home to Boston, brought many of her friends to the reception after for us to visit and remember her with love. Thank you for writing your beautiful blog.
    Ginny A

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  27. Thanks for your so very thoughtful essay…too loften we forget to ask/tell our wishes….when my husband was in his last week we nailed down his wishes and I’ve given instructions to my daughters for me…but didn’t think about the obit…thanks for sharing and blessings to you and your family

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  28. Becky, my daughter-in-law was an Eckroat from Hennessey. Her Dad is Jack Eckroat and lives here in Edmond. He was in oil and has a PhD. His first wife was Louise Booker and they had 3 daughter’s. Could they be related? I just thought Eckroat is an unusual name.

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    • I suppose it’s possible that we are related, but it would be news to me. My grandfather was Daniel Eckroat. He came from a big family in the OKC area. I should know more off the top of my head, but don’t… I suspect

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  29. Becky,

    Kath forwarded the link to your blog. You wrote such a lovely tribute to your mom and family! Thank you so much for sharing.

    And thank you for the list of what to be mindful of when it falls to us to plan a funeral. That was practical, generous, and very kind of you. I’ll save that for the time when it will be my turn because that time will come at some point.

    You and your husband must be really good people to have written such lovely, down-to-earth memories. That’s talent as well as integrity.

    I don’t believe I’ve seen you since I was a kid and you an early teenager. Dad has kept us posted about you and your family and during my brief and very simple period of remaking my kids’ baby quilts, Mom mentioned that you are renowned for your quilting. How marvelous that you inherited so many different talents, skills, and attributes from family and then built on them.

    It’s good to be in touch with you again. Best to you.

    Eileen Kelly Burkart

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    • Hi Eileen! It has been a long time since we’ve seen each other. I sort of miss the family reunions, don’t you? Certainly when we were kids they didn’t thrill me, but that’s how we all kept up with each other. Times and traditions have changed and it’s harder to keep up now.

      Your dad and mom were up to visit mom, and me, several times after mom moved to Texas and they filled us in on how all of you have been doing. I need to take time to go down to see your parents every now and then… Denton is just not that far. Maybe I’ll see you there!

      Best to you as well,

      Becky

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  30. Since I have never had to plan a funeral, this was good information. Since I am closer to the age of having to think about these issues in regards to my own family, it was definitely a help. Will make sure not to leave them a mess to deal with.

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  31. Thanks for your post
    I want to add that I feel the obituary is worth spending money on as that will last forever. It can be found where graves and etc wouldn’t be. And a lasting tribute.

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  32. Thank you for the thoughtful remarks! They are the things no one ever tells you unless you find out on your own before you need to know! Let’s face it, many of us don’t assuming everyone will know what you want and what it costs. My family knows some but I don’t want them to make all those decisions themselves.
    I’m really thankful for this reminder! Glad it went so well for you at this trying time!

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  33. Sending my prayers and sympathy, Becky, and I echo the prayer Teri posted which I’ve always found to be comforting (fellow Catholic here). May God grant your mom eternal rest. God bless and comfort you.

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  34. Becky, thank you for the blog about your mom’s passing and funeral prep lists. You did what she wanted, which shows love and respect.
    When my dad died suddenly at 48, I was 23, the oldest of six, and with obit writing experience on a prominent Houston paper, the dad obit writer. Luckily, he had shared stories with us over the years and a had a more than full life. But it still took me all night to write. So I recommend a list of what you want in an obit with dates. A little humor or whimsy helps. (FYI, newspaper obits are charged by the inch, more on Sundays.)

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    • I agree, adding some good stories will help those who are having to write under a stressful deadline. These days you could record a video, or more than one video.

      You know, now that I think of it, I wish mom had done that. She would have, but the technology was beyond her and, darn it, I was always so busy. We who have cell phones should record our own stories!!!

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  35. I am sorry for your loss and I thank you for the beautiful post. I have read your blog for countless years and I don’t think I have ever commented…one of the lurkers out there.
    In my family it is made known where you would like your ashes spread. Our family home was expropriated many years ago to make way for a park and my parents’ ashes are both scattered underneath trees that my Dad planted and that I played under as a child. I love the fact that they are there.

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    • Hi Gail! It’s nice to hear from you!

      That sounds lovely. I’d be happy in a park with trees and sunshine and kids all around. What a great place to go visit them. Mom and Dad, and my sister and grandparents, are up in OKC in one a cemetery with flat headstones so it’s easy to mow. I don’t exactly love the setting but they liked it so there you go. There is an IHOP across the very wide street, easy to spot and within walking distance. It’s not the best view but my mom and sister did love IHOP so I suspect they are OK with it :-).

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