Last night we celebrated Elanor's 9th birthday. There were 13 of us for dinner and I broke out mom's 1950s era china (which is now my china) and my sterling flatware (which rarely sees the light of day). It was pretty! Steve smoked a turkey, Bernice brought fresh berries and roasted aspargus, I made a chocolate cheesecake… makes you hungry, doesn't it? Elanor got some fun presents and ended up spending the night with us. We watched Kindergarten Cop, one of her favorites.
My mom was at dinner of course. She was worn out from being out and about all day. When I took her home she started telling me that she thought she wasn't walking as well as she should, and that she was feeling sort of like a burden to us. And there was more. Now mind you this was after what I thought was a fun night.
I'm going to admit that I just about lost it at my mother. I've known and loved her for 79 years so I know that she is a worrier. When one thing gets fixed, the next thing in line moves to the top of the worry list. So now it's her walking. I pointed out that doing too much, and lifting what she shouldn't, probably had more to do with her current situation than anything else. And that she can and should take better care of herself. You get the idea. Mothers! You can't reason with them.
I got home and Christopher was in the kitchen helping Steve with the dishes. He said… well I can't remember the exact words, but it made me laugh. Basically, it was that eventually he would be having the same words with me – and he referenced a Star Trek episode.
Do you remember Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra? Picard is on a planet trying to understand an alien captain who communicates in allegory. War is imminent. Chris pointed out that the story of my mom and me trying to communicate now will be like him trying to communicate with me later. We agreed that if he mentions Darmok and Jalad I will harken back to me trying to help my mother see what's best for her.
Now that I've written it that way, I can see that I've got a problem. Of course I think that she is doing a variety of things that are not exactly good for her. But me telling her what I think is best for her is not helpful. Darn it! I suppose I'm going to have to work on lip-biting techniques and hope for the best.
I went over early this morning and we're fine. No residual crankiness from either of us. Darmok and Jalad appear to have come to an understanding. This afternoon I got her garage door opener working. One less thing to worry about!
Piece O Cake Blog 
I have never responded to a blog in my life… but here it is. I have been “with you” during your mother and Christy’s move to your town and for the sad death of Christy. But never have I felt so attuned as with this post. My mother passed away this summer and it’s only now, after her death, that I explore the intricacies of our relationship and find the similarities in us – and I have long known we were a lot alike. I need to create a signal like yours for my son. I am preaching the “stubbornness should not follow us into old age” mantra. I am now living with my father who needs extra physical care and I find that as a male he is not trying to do as many “inappropriate” or “taxing” things as Mom did. It must be part of the female nature to stretch things and then worry. I wonder if I explore it more if I can rise above it (doubt it!)
THANKS for sharing
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My mother spent many years in a nursing home and I was responsible for most of the visits to her as my only sibling lives several hours away. One discussion which came up often was her sewing machine. She schemed about how she could set up her sewing machine. It was especially trying when she received the new Keepsake Quilting little catalog. In hindsight, I wish I had tried a little harder to find a way for her to quilt.
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There’s a technique I’ve found useful. It’s called “Stupid and Cheerful”. Don’t take it all personally and act cheerful about whatever it is. See how that works with your mom.
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My mother passed away two years ago and my father who lives near comes over every day for his dinner. Most times I love this arrangement but now and then he gets on my nerves. But I probably get on his too! I guess what I am trying to say is that if you can’t relax and moan to your nearest and dearest then you are in trouble. I think i have an extra child now and sometimes he behaves like that too. So I am going to try the ‘Stupid and cheerful’ method too. Your mum will be so happy to have you so near . Thinking of you both Carol Wilkie
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I, too, am going to try stupid and cheerful. Good idea. And I will embrace the fact that I am lucky to have a parent who is alive and alert and nearby – even if she does on occasion make my head hurt. I bet I make hers hurt too.
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Just had to tell you I loved your Star Trek reference! So true and it makes me wonder how many conversations we have where actual communication is difficult. (My children come to mind.) As someone who has lost both parents, enjoy what you can while you can and let the little things go.
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Your Mom spent the better part of her life being a wife and mother. And, the last several years, your sister was her focus-that was her purpose in life. Now that Christy has died, she has lost her “compass” in life. Is it possible for her to help Lorna with the business side of Piece O’ Cake?
When my mother retired after having been a teacher, school principal, and finally an Area Director of Instruction, she immediately had to start taking care of my father who suffered from brain damage due to strokes. When he passed, she took care of my elderly Aunt. When my Aunt died, Mom lost her purpose in life and seemed lost. She then went into decline. She had no hobbies and her whole life had revolved around taking care of others.
Its not easy switching roles as our parents age. But maybe becoming active with Lorna might help. Its worth a try anyway.
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Hi Sue and everyone else who commented…
I know you are right. I do wish Mom had a hobby. She likes to sew sometimes and she sometimes likes to work on doll houses. Her blood pressure has been up but I think the new medication is helping get that under control – shes perkier which is nice.
Its a conundrum – she likes to be busy but then she wears herself out. Shes basically an optimist but she also worries with the best of them. Always has. But I think the thing right now is that she is depressed – the normal kind of depression that happens when an adult child dies. No one – not her, not me, not her doctor, thinks this is something to medicate away.
I can remember my sister telling me that mom could occasionally make her crazy. My mom said the same thing about my sister. Now its me and mom who can make each other crazy every now and then. Its what we all do, right?
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